Is it that he’s too short? Is it the weird, overwrought way he runs in movies?
Is it his pretty, squeaky clean wife and adorable little girl?
Is it his two older adopted kids who’re good-looking and thriving? (I confess. I read People magazine).
Is it his intensity?
His busted nose?
Is it that his nose works with his face, but yours doesn’t work with yours?
Is it that he’s physically fit?
Is it that he’s a short guy with a small guy attitude?
That he’s figured how to make-work to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars? (Sure, money isn’t important but in the process of his making hundreds of millions he’s helped afford thousands of folks very good livings, right down to the popcorn kids at your local theatre. So, money is important.)
The jumping on the couch for the Oprah Show, is that it? You think that was a stupid move? Sure you do, and always will—right up until the one you love goes in front of the nation and declares their love for you by jumping for joy on Oprah’s couch.
Is it that he’s seen Nicole, Penelope, Cher, Mimi, and Katie naked?
Is it that he’s gotten more ladies on screen then you have in your wildest dreams?
Is it that he’s a walking, living, breathing cooperation, and you just got fired from your latest $12 an hour job?
Is it that he stars, helps write, produces, and does many of his own stunts in his movies, and he works 20 times harder than most of us?
Is it because he abides a religion that teaches one to believe that each person has the answers to the mysteries of life?
Is it because he could hire you, but you couldn’t hire him? And if he hired you you’d know you’d have to tow the line, or you’d be out? And if he hired you you’d know you were working on something he’s behind, and you’d be thrilled beyond belief, not to mention crazily excited the moments before he first walked into view?
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act “The Logger.” His column appears weekly. Reach him at rustyd@pshift.com.
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